It is not the divorce per se which can cause lifelong emotional scars…it’s how it is dealt with. The impact of separation and divorce is frequently multi-layered. Often much goes underground. Children often blame themselves, face loyalty binds, find themselves caretaking parents, and suffer alone and in silence.
Moving on, the challenges and complexity of dealing with new partners and living in stepfamilies can be enormous. I work with individuals, children, and families in multiple constellations to create a safe and respectful space to:
— understand and articulate feelings, questions, experiences and needs
— listen and understand (to the best of one’s ability) to each other
— make healthy decisions about life going forward
— grieve the losses and still find a way to pull together as a family and look optimistically toward a bright future
The following books and resources can be very helpful (clicking on the link takes you directly to Amazon):
Helping Your Children Cope with Divorce (Random House, 1998) by M. Gary Neuman. Very helpful in understanding what children go through.
Simple and clear but critical articles detailing cornerstones of parenting during divorce: 12 Ways to Help Your Kids Deal With Divorce, Parenting After Divorce: 9 Ways to Parent on Your Own Terms, The Do's and Don'ts of Divorce for Parents
Mom’s House, Dad’s House (Simon & Shuster, 1997) by Isolina Ricci. A classic guide for divorce, shared parenting, self-care, and creating parenting plans.
Two powerful videos from the child’s perspective:
Split — A Film for Kids of Divorce (& Their Parents)
Don’t Divorce Me — Kids’ Rules for Parents on Divorce (HBO)
Simple and clear but critical articles detailing cornerstones of parenting during divorce: 12 Ways to Help Your Kids Deal With Divorce, Parenting After Divorce: 9 Ways to Parent on Your Own Terms, The Do's and Don'ts of Divorce for Parents
Article: Can Your Child Benefit from Counseling? Guidelines for Parents on Therapy for Children
On Stepfamilies:
Dr. Patricia Papernow is one of today’s foremost experts on stepfamilies. Her new book is Surviving and Thriving in Stepfamily Relationships: What Works and What Doesn't (Routledge, 2013). Here is a short article about a simple, but profound topic: Steps to Ease Dinner Stress for Stepfamilies. Here is a video of her recent interview with Katie Couric.
